Flat Line

I had the sense early this morning that my life is a flat line, a bleak horizon. I felt the demons of fear and despair gnawing at me, and I became overwhelmed. Now all I want to do is stay home and tidy up and reclaim the sense that I have some control over my life. (Do I? And will cleaning the floor and keeping guard here, making sure all is tidy and safe, is that really going to make it all better?)

My daughter went out with friends last night. I woke at 4am and saw the lights were still on in the living room, so I got up and went out there to discover she was not yet home. I went over to the phone and saw there had been 14 calls. My instant fear was something bad had happened and the state police had tried to call me all those times. I need glasses (and can't afford them!) and the light was dim so I could not read the numbers on the caller ID. That frustrated me! That was when I discovered the lamp right near the phone had been knocked over by the cats and the bulb lay shattered in the corner. I fumbled with the phone and dialed my voice mail number, and then was subjected to a mandatory message from the phone company all about how they are going to upgrade the voice mail service. I had to sit through that endless blather while I waited in fear and frustration, feeling very much like a Bad Mother because I didn't stay out on the couch instead of going into bed so that I would be able to hear the phone. Finally I was able to listen to my messages, and there she was telling me of a change in plans and where she was going, but it all sounded a bit vague to my worried ears. She said she would continue to try to call me, which she did do; that's why there were 14 calls.

I turned out the lights. I went back to bed. I felt like a Bad Mother. Because I have depression, because it sucks my energy and I need to sleep. Because I have just one phone and it is on the other end of the house. Because I close my bedroom door so that cats won't come in and bother me with their nonsense. I battered and berated myself. And finally, I realized I was succumbing to the lure of the dark demons; they were swarming me like hungry fish. I tried to console myself. I told myself that if the state police really needed to get a hold of me, they would have come pounding on my door. But I wasn't very deeply consoled; the light inside me was too dim. So then my fears seized the opportunity and began spiraling my thoughts into dizziness, conjuring potential financial disasters and all the many other ways I live on a very fine edge, trusting in faith to be held up by God, trusting in faith that anything that comes will be nothing I cannot handle. Except it all felt very skimpy there in the dark as I clutched a stuffed bear to my heart, talking to God but not sure anyone was hearing me just then, and I felt just as much like a lonely shivering child with too thin a blanket as I ever have. That was when I realized I am very overwhelmed by trying to hold my life together--that, in fact, it feels like a fucking disaster and a mess-- and I am too ashamed to tell anyone that fact.

Until next time, I remain, your friend, Rozenkraai