love rises

i want to go down to the lowlands
and watch the flood waters rise.
my old black dog would guide me there.
he knows it well; he’s a water dog,
accustomed to paddling out into the wet depths and returning home
again, feathered death cradled gently in his soft mouth.

i want to sit amidst the sharp black rocks,
obsidian glass shining in iridescent circles
of night. i see the dog’s face reflected there.
he smiles at me, he wags his tail slowly, he acts as if he approves of my choice.
but it’s only a ruse to let me think i make the choices,
not him. because in fact
we can’t stay long
in this shining black place,
in these rocks. they are no place to rest.
they conjure me back to the pain of living, and he can’t have that.

he is a lazy, fat dog. he would sleep all day
on into the midnight spiral of solitary stars
whispering songs that have never been named
by our kind. he loves the solace of heavy quilts, of rising waters,
of the many faces and forms of sleep.
he exhales warm breath into my nostrils,
puts his big paw on my face.
he would hold me fast there
as the darkness comes and fills all the spaces.

he would bring me rounded river stones,
smoothly grey and faintly black, with which to fill my pockets.
he would set me spinning into the lavender grey twilight,
so sweet, so vast, no stars arisen yet, no crescent moon
to catch my hands upon so that i might hang there,
grasping that last sharp sliver of silvery white light.
no, he would not allow me that,

that fleeting promise of light. he would rather rend my flesh to bones
amidst obsidian knives, and eat my tough old woman heart.
he would rather savor hot garnet flecks
of this ancestral blood, this fleeting fire,
this, my life. he would much rather
fill my mouth with the sweetness of death
infused in green river water.
he would kiss the life right out of me. he loves me that much!
he does! for he has walked beside me all my life, taking care,
like a guide dog, to keep me out of the brightness and well inside the shadows.
he is keeping me safe, out of the glare of that light.
keeping me safe. it is what he knows.
and he will abide with me,
faithfully, to the end of all walking.
he is the celestial bear
wearing the guise
of a fat black dog.
and he will see me safely home.

because,
without him,
i must face the sunrise in gladness,
singing songs of praise.
i must claim my power. i must tend and serve the eastern light.
i can do this! i can!
but it is a lonely place. for no one can know the truth of this life.
no one
can know. and so, without him,
i must meet all the smiling faces, all the bared teeth,
all the voices and the clamor. i must put on a face and participate
in the madness of humanity.
it exhausts me. i hate it.
may i rest forever in the solace of a solitude attended
by animals and spirits. may i rest forever
inside the celestial bear.