Interlude: Journal Entry

It's warm. It's too warm. I dont know if it is me or the weather, or both. I don't know. Maybe I have too many clothes on from when it was cool, and my mind hasnt yet caught up to the change. Or maybe from earlier in the week when this cold--which might be a sinus infection, or on the verge of one--made me cold. It is humid too. The air smells wrong. I feel wrung out and dragged down and unwell. On the edge of losing my composure, maybe even losing my religion, albeit temporarily. I am hot and sweaty and uncomfortable, with a raspy throat and congested lungs, a stuffy head, occasional headache. And tired, tired to the point of the 'poor me's'. I could get there. I have been dipping my toes in it. Started whining a little to God. Those thoughts. "No one to take care of me. No one to offer a hand, a cup of tea, a break, a respite. Can't even take a day off from work because I need the income too much.' And then I remind myself of the bad marriage, the crazy boyfriend, nightmare relationships that are so much worse than any solitude. The bloodsucking losers and vampires who polluted my life and made a mess of all that I cherish. My mind still reels when I think about the Vampyr who would break anything dear to me, so that maybe I would ask him to fix it, and then he could be the hero. My antique rocker is still unusable with that hole punched in the cane seat. The aquarium still has those mysterious cracks. He did these things secretly, while I shook my head and wondered why so many things broke. It wasnt until after I had asked him to leave that I put the pieces of the puzzle together, because after he left nothing broke anymore. Not like that. Not with such alarming frequency, out of my sight. Madness! I hate the madness. I hate the crazy hurtful people. I have had an overabundance of them in my life, and who knows why, but I want nothing to do with any of them anymore ever. Not anymore ever. And so I have barricaded myself, and I will stay here.

Tho I had a dream this morning of a nice person. It was an odd disjointed dream. I had a horse, black, wild, sort of fierce. It came at me and pushed with its muzzle over and over at my neck, intensely, teeth bared but not biting. I need to look at this more. My horse, a spirit companion since childhood, is trying to tell me something. And then later in the dream, I had another horse and I was supposed to ride it in a parade. I had a prominent spot in the parade, solitary, between two groups. I had nice boots, jeans, shirt, and a nice well-behaved horse. Someone came and gave me pretty earrings to wear. Somehow as we went, the horse and I, I lost sight of the group in front of me and of the group behind me. But I made it to the ending place. Most of the people were already there, seated at a meal. There was a great wind at first and people were outside trying to hold the building in place. I went inside and found my friend, seated at the table. It was crowded. A place was made for me beside him. He accompanied me to the buffet table, showed me the dish his wife had made, spoke disparaging comments about it, but I took some, said it looked good. It was something odd, made of ritz crackers and bananas. Anyway, he was my friend, and in his company I felt safe and at rest. I had the horses too. I need to think what the fierce black horse was trying to communicate or give to me. That insistent battering at my neck, not hurtful but very forceful. I don't know.

It is at least finally Friday and there is comfort in that just as there was comfort in the presence of my friend in the dream. He was someone who knew me, knew what I had accomplished, and abided with me. Abiding with is a concept that I have been becoming more and more aware of and understanding of its peace and its comfort and its importance. It has become a very important fact to me. Abiding with. Abiding in. I abide in God's love; God abides with me. We show true love and respect to one another when we abide with each other. It is a place of peace and trust.